Self-sabotage. It's a hot button topic that I hear so many women talk about. Sabotage wears many different outfits, and none of them are designer. Some of us sabotage ourselves with relationships. Some of us do it with our careers. The most evident example of self-sabotage in my life is my struggle with my weight.
I started gaining weight in the 2nd grade, right around the time my parents got divorced. Food quickly became my big, soft, cozy blanket, and I ate my feelings in the form of Chips Ahoy and Doritos (Vile, I know). Food and I have always had a complicated relationship, and by the time I was 30 years old I realized that maybe - just maybe - this was on purpose.
I've been able to accomplish anything I set my mind to. Write a book? Done. Write four? No problem. Go on live television for the first time and totally slay it? Check. Why was I able to conquer all of my goals except get to - and maintain - a healthy weight? I mean, millions of people can nail this (I've seen the infomercials at 3 am). What the hell was wrong with me?
Now don't get me wrong. I've never really been fat fat. But I've always danced with an extra fifteen to twenty pounds that I couldn't quite shake for good. It was enough to haunt me and destroy my body image for most of my adult life. The way I looked controlled me. It stalked my thoughts. It ruled my self-esteem. I thought about (and still think about) my body on a constant basis. Do I look more toned? Do I look bloated? Am I losing weight? Are my muscles popping yet? Do my legs look thinner? Will I ever look like a "fit person?"
I am no stranger to the weight loss game. I've gained weight. I've lost weight. In fact, right now, I am down 46 pounds from my all-time high that literally tipped the scales in 2014. Do you know what happened to me? I wrote a book in 2013 called The Champagne Diet which is all about getting healthy, physically and emotionally. It's all about confidence and wellness. It's a story about how I (thought) I finally conquered my body image demons. It's not a diet book; it's a lifestyle guide to feeling and looking your best.
The book came out, and then I went and gained over 30 pounds.
I have come to understand through the years that the science of weight loss is easy. It's the emotional side that's the challenge. But I'm a fucking master life coach. So why couldn't I master this? As Oprah said in a 2009 issue of O Magazine, "I can't believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I'm still talking about my weight."
I feel ya, O.
So look. Maybe weight will be my forever-challenge. Maybe it won't. I know I'm still a work in progress. I know I'm improving every day. I know there is still a lot to learn. When I gained all that weight between 2013 and 2014, a lot of personal shit was going down in my life. I was deeply unhappy with my full-time job. I battled limiting beliefs around what I could or couldn't accomplish professionally. I was trying to be a new wife. I was stressed. Through the process of losing that weight (again), I have realized that I can't overcome my self-sabotage unless I am loving myself in every area of my life. It's not just about celebrating my curves and loving my body. It's about having the courage to face every single thing that's not working and address it.
I'm on a different journey now. It's the same, but it's not. I know so much more about myself. I'm braver. I'm wiser. I'm happier. If you've been following me on Instagram and Snapchat (my username over there is GlitterGutsGlam), you've seen the positive changes I'm making in my life. I've got a full-blown addition to SoulCycle and I ain't complaining. I've cut back drastically on drinking and completely overhauled my relationship with wine (blog post about that here). I'm madly in love with my work as a full-time inspirational author after cutting loose from my day job at MTV in the end of 2014. I've taken consistent, positive action steps toward truly creating my "Champagne Life" (with or without actual champagne - LOL).
Losing these last couple of pounds feels fairly effortless this time around. Perhaps it's because I ditched a lot of dead weight in other areas of my life. Perhaps it was finally taking the blame off external circumstances (shitty "diet" plans, genetics, age) that allowed me to step up and claim accountability. Or perhaps, most of all, it was realizing that all along, I haven't been at war with my weight. I've been at war with myself. And I'm finally ready to wave the white flag.